The Orphan I Am Chronicles- 11

Can I do it? Be here one day then disappear the next? To leave a country that is embedded in me, a country which housed so many memories, from a runt to a grown adult. One which I’ve had successes and yes, failures. But do we really fail when one learns from that failure? It depends on what you are made of, what you value and most important, during this failure, did someone benefit? It is funny and also strange how one experiences periods of reflecting, things just pop in your head and it takes you back, realizing that yea, all these precious moments, seconds if you will, all are priceless.

Which brings us back to my topic, can one just disappear? In this situation, merely pack what is precious to me, journal and pen, select photos, addresses/contact info of those I care for, those I love. My laptop, most certainly, a favorite t-shirt, those worn out rocker jeans, whatever will fit into two bags. My destination would be Europe for starters, back to France and a few of the places there I promised I would return to. By taking this step, one that possibly will make my life even more difficult at the beginning, you may ask, why would I do such a thing if it brings difficulty to my life? Through every struggle comes some sort of reward, yes it may be small,  hell even unrecognizable but never the less, one is there.

To be a Kinchloe, we expect these things, a struggle, perhaps always choosing the most difficult path. But by doing so, when it comes time to reflect, you (I) have a much greater appreciation as to where I have arrived. As I have began to mentally prepare myself for the day in which I will indeed board a plane to enter another phase of my life, there are jewels, no better then that, brilliant stars that I think about. Three such stars are my three sons, which I have also referred to as my three suns. I love them dearly and am happy they each have grown into such fine, intelligent and compassionate men. I think of someone who owns a piece of my heart, someone who if we were to meet now as we did years ago, I would gladly ask her to marry me.

But it was not meant to be, but we remain close friends, her face I will see where ever I travel to. My friends which today seems more few, I mean close friends which makes them priceless and rare, I say to them, where ever i go, like my three sons, I gladly leave my door open for you and hope to open many doors for you all. To arrive at new horizons, experience new cultures, the endless variety of art, new people, new friends, perhaps even a new love, makes leaving it all behind a bit easier to swallow. To stand on this edge of a realm and not take that step forward is to try and live while constantly focusing on what is in that rearview mirror, dwelling on the fading images and ignoring what you have past and also what lies ahead…That is not life, that is having doubt and lacking confidence in one’s self.

So Ive rambled enough, just some insight as to my mindset…as always, pEaCe tone

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~ by tonekinchloe on August 13, 2011.

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